If Hurricane Irene taught me one thing (other than don’t attempt to fly back from Mexico on the day a faux-ricane is purported to hit the Isle of Manhat) it’s that Pop-Tarts are MAJOR. Like “why aren’t they their own food group” major (yes, I’ve thought for years condiments like salsa and teriyaki sauce should get their own food groups. What can I say? I like to dip things).
Apparently, the most popular food item after a major storm is strawberry Pop-Tarts. Ok, whatever. But WHY?
Well, the experts say they require no heating, can be “used at any meal” and last forever.
Yes, ok. I know this. They are made of magic and thus never perish. But why strawberry Pop-Tarts in particular? Why not Twinkies, the other magical non-perishable cakes? Or Yodels? Or Ding-Dongs? Or Yum Yum Trees? (yes, that last one is not actually a mass-produced dessert cake, though it SHOULD be — don’t steal my idea, by the way.)
So I came up with a couple theories:
1. Pop-Tarts make people think of breakfast–>breakfast = sunshine and growing up (because real adults BRUNCH, they don’t eat breakfast at a kitchen table)–>happiness. Such rational logic.
2. The strawberry kind of Pop-Tart has the best frosting. I (non-scientifically) proved this in eighth grade after testing the full product suite. I’m sorry, blueberry is Le Terrible and cinnamon tastes like cardboard. I’m pretty sure the Pop-Tarts manufacturing plant keeps a special batch of frosting in top-secret areas, ONLY to be used on the hero product — the original strawberry Pop-Tart.
3. Pop-Tarts are reliable. Twinkies got a bad rap for being SO long-lasting. Dunkaroos never stood a chance. And granola bars are not a whole meal — just an afterthought or a precursor. Pop-Tarts take the cake.
So if you see Pop-Tarts trucks (caveat: I don’t know if trucks that are dedicated solely to the Pop-Tarts toaster pastries exist — but they should) roll into your local retailers, stock up buttercup. Cause a storm’s brewin’ and you don’t want to be the one left with the crappy baked beans (the food that’s so five minutes ago, when in a natural disaster), while the rest of America dines like royalty on strawberry confectionary delight.