I’m not the biggest fan of emoticons and “web speak.” Yes, sometimes it’s necessary to do shorthand. Yes, sometimes you say something particularly harsh and the only thing that would adeptly mollify the statement is a 🙂 smiley face. But as a grown adult, I try to steer clear of this breed of internet slang (now don’t get me wrong — regular ol’ street slang is a PAST TIME of mine — inventing or utilizing new colloquial terms brings me infinitesmal joy — “amazeballs!” — and requires an entirely separate post.

Alas, I digress. Back to the culprit. The worst offendor of all internet abbreviations, in my book, is LOL. It irks me like the sound of especially rugged nails on a chalkboard. It gets on my nerves like a pedestrian tourist strolling slowly in the middle of a midtown Manhattan sidewalk. WHY DO GROWN ADULTS STILL USE IT?

I get the whole “I can haz cheezburger” phenom and the use of LOLZ plastered over kitty cats. But in work emails and other mature conversations there is simply no place for the lolz. It honestly makes me think of a 13-year old girl on dial up America Online. Flash to a mental image of a Lifetime movie on teen girls secretly using the World Wide Web for devious, no-good, adult ends. I tried using it recently — to just test it out, see what the big deal is in using it — and I felt like an undercover cop pretending to be an internet predator on a Dateline special. I just couldn’t do it.

So here’s my plea to the world. Laugh, and laugh often. But if you have to laugh use “ha” or “ha ha” or “bahahahahahaha” if it’s really funny. But save the lolz for 1999. They were so five minutes ago.